Sunday, October 10, 2021

Goodbye, Papa Ramon!

 EULOGY FOR PAPA RAMON ESTRADA STA. CLARA

10 October 2021



Good evening, everyone! On behalf of my siblings, we thank everyone for taking time to pay their last respect for Papa and to condole with us. 


Let me present a brief background on Papa. Ramon Estrada Sta. Clara (aka Lazatin) was born on 26 July 1948, son of Renato Lazatin (aka Sta. Clara) and Perla Estrada. He was the eldest son among the brood of 7 (Ramon, Rogelio, Rene, Rebecca, Ruby, Rosemarie, and Rowena). (yes, all Rs). Papa grew up with his Lolo and Lola – Dr. Mariano Lazatin and Margarita de Asis Lazatin. He studied Kindergarten at San Sebastian Manila, Grades 1-3 at San Beda, Grades 4-7 at Letran and high school at Mapua. He took Accounting as his college course in Mapua. I didn’t inherit his numbers acumen, but I think Monching has that. 


Papa met Mama (Asenette Pontillas Dichoson) at his grandfather’s hospital – Mercy Hospital in Pasay. Mama was working as a nurse in the said hospital. Sparks flew and they got married on 18 December 1968. Papa worked in the construction sector. He was a Project Manager. He also became a business consultant to many of his friends. Papa was not just good with numbers, but he was good with words. He had written most of the feasibility studies of his friends’ business concepts. He was also the designated speechwriter of his friends. He later ventured on his own business – Itik/poultry. But his two mild strokes greatly affected him. 


Let me describe our Papa to everyone or how I knew him to be. Papa was a good eldest son. He was the patriarch of the Sta. Clara clan when our grandfather died. He took care of his brood. He mended the rifts/tampuhan of family members. He was kind and generous. He often teased the people he love and care about. My aunts can attest to this. Papa may look tough, but he was a softie when it comes to family. My Papa was a devoted husband to my Mama. More than 4 decades of marriage to our Mama Asenette. He was a good provider. He sent us 5 kids to top schools. We had food, clothing on our backs and roof over our head. He was a strict father to us, but a super spoiler to his grandkids on their birthdays, Christmas and whenever they would excel in school.


As time passed by, Papa’s faith in God was renewed and strengthened. He devoted his life in the service of Catholic Church. He was a Lay Minister. In September 2009, Archbishop of Manila, Cardinal Rosales, gave him an award for his committed and dedicated services as Lay Liturgical Minister of the Sto. NiƱo de Pandacan Parish. 


This is the gist of Papa’s life story. But I wanted to tell you what I’ve really learned from my father. 


There 4 key lessons that Papa taught me and my siblings:

  1. Nurture your faith – When we were just young kids, on Sundays, Papa would always quiz us on the gospel and homily. He would always encouraged us to read the bible and meditate on verses. He would motivate us to attend recollections/retreats. He said that when adversities come, we would not be disheartened or troubled. Faith will pull us through. 

  2. Family is everything – Friends may come and go, but family will always be there for you. Growing up, our Sundays were sacred. It was reserved for family time – attending mass together and reconnecting through meals or doing hobbies together. After mass, Papa would often treat us to lunch out, or just window shop or just play around in the CCP Complex. Holidays and reunions were important for Papa. It was a way of catching up with relatives and making unforgettable memories for the family. I’m sure that my cousins remember these special reunions, outings, and Christmas parties. 


  1. Manners maketh man – For Papa, a person is not defined by birth, property, or money, but by how he/she behaves towards others. Papa said this before, “aanhin moa ng titulo o yaman kung hinde ka marunong makipagkapwa tao.” He instilled these 4 traits in us:

    1. HONOR – Honor your word. He believed that one should honor his word. Panindigan moa ng sinabi mo. If you don’t honor your word, you’ll lose trust and credibility. 

    2. EDUCATE – Educate yourself continuously. Education is not just the degree. Educate yourself on what’s happening around you. During our childhood, Papa would often drill us on current events. It was required for us to read newspapers, listen to news on radio and watch news on TV. He would want us to open our eyes on realities of life. 

    3. RESPECT – Respect other people’s time. It is a subtle way of showing respect for others. Papa taught us to be punctual always. We carry this trait up to this day. 

    4. DISCIPLINED – If you want to achieve something, put in the work. He always told us to do things right the first time. Papa, seriously Strat Management/HR Manager ka talaga? You have to give your best in everything, no matter how small you think your part is. 

    5. SHARE – He said this many times to us – to always share what you have. He was generous with his blessings and time. 


  1. Expression of love – My idea of love came from Papa. I’ve witnessed how Papa treated Mama. He adored her like his queen. Even in their 60s/senior years, they were a sweet couple. They would do slow dance, hug, and kiss in front of their kids and grandchildren. They did things together always. They always held hands while walking. They are not the type of couple who would let one spouse walk ahead or fall behind. I told Nelson, my husband, that this is what I would us to be – still affectionate in our wrinkle and gray selves. 


Papa expressed his love for us through food. Papa was way ahead of his time. He was a genuine foodie. He was a true blue Kapampangan. He would bring us to different and new restaurants from stalls along estero of Ongpin to fine dining hotel restaurants. He did not scrimp money on food. He brought us there for experience and making memories together. He trained our taste buds. We discovered the taste of foie gras, caviar, fried frog legs, grilled bayawak and tapang usa. 


Papa has shown his love through service. When I got married, Papa checked our apartment on our first day of residence there. He found out that the water pump was not working properly and brought in a handyman to fix it and our other faucets. He made everything comfortable and set for our stay. 


Papa was not afraid to show his affection. I remember his lambing to his children – was to rub noses. When Papa had his stroke, he said “I love you” regularly. He showered his grandkids with lots of kisses and hugs. He held hands with Mama until the day she died. 


Even if Papa was a busy man, he would always allot time for us. Like I’ve stated earlier, Sunday is a family day. Time is precious. It is something that you can’t take back. He reserved time to celebrate the big and small things in our family whether by eating out or just having a special meal at home. 


Lastly, for Papa, love is sharing. Sharing what you have, not just material stuff, but also your time, energy, focus and your whole self. Share what you love or want the most. In our family, we all love the Bangus Belly – nag-uunahan kami kumuha nyan. If he saw that one got a tiny portion of the belly, he would give half of his portion. (It was always Mama who got the tiniest portion). He emphasized this so many times – “Give what you love, not just your scraps.” Give the best to the one you love. 


I take all of these things in my heart. Good bye, Papa! You will always live on in my heart. I love you. 

Saturday, February 29, 2020

MY BABY GIRL’S DIAGNOSIS – DOWN SYNDROME


Foreword: In celebration of Down Syndrome Awareness Month, I’m sharing our journey as parents of a special needs baby who has Down syndrome.

On July 14, 2018, 12:05 am, I gave birth, via Caesarean Section, to our baby girl – Amelia Lucia or simply Lia to us. She weighed 5 pounds and 4 ounces. I heard my OB-GYNE commenting that my baby has chinky eyes, just like me. When our pediatrician, Dr. Vina Cabahug, visited us a few hours later, she didn’t dilly dally. She dropped a bomb. She told us that our baby girl has most of the features of the babies with Down syndrome. She was so sure that our baby has this genetic chromosomal disorder. Down syndrome occurs when an individual has
 a full or partial extra copy of chromosome 21. This additional genetic material alters the course of development and causes the characteristics associated with Down syndrome (source: National Down Syndrome Society). Down syndrome varies in severity among individuals, causing lifelong intellectual disability and developmental delays. It's the most common genetic chromosomal disorder and cause of learning disabilities in children (source: Mayo Clinic)
 Lia has upward slanting eyelids, flat facial profile, small head, smaller ears, short hands with a single crease on the palm, and the big space between her toes. As she enumerated Lia’s features, my tears just kept rolling. My husband and I were devastated. So many fears going through my head. We asked if the diagnosis was fool-proof. She replied that Karyotyping, a blood test, would confirm the diagnosis and identify the kind of Down Syndrome Lia has. Karyotyping is a test to examine chromosomes in a sample of cells. This test can help identify genetic problems as the cause of a disorder or disease (source: Medline Plus).

In my head, my party just stopped. It was as if someone popped all the balloons in my party. I thought that my baby girl would never experience – attending parties/prom, travel adventures or live independently on her own. For someone who has a classic type ‘A’ personality like me – highly competitive, centered on achievement and success and coming from a family of cerebrals, it was hard for me to accept the news.

Then our pediatrician told us of the implications of this diagnosis. She said that people with Down syndrome have an increased risk for certain medical conditions such as congenital heart defects, respiratory and hearing problems, Alzheimer’s disease, childhood leukemia and thyroid conditions. While she was explaining all of these things, I just grasped Nelson’s hand. Maybe because our pediatrician saw our anguished faces, she reminded us that Amelia is still our baby. In spite of all these things, she will be loved. She can live a normal life, with early intervention. She is a precious gift. She told us that she would just need extra care and support; and that Kuya Joaqui will help her too.

After she left, Nelson and I started to research on Down syndrome. These are the facts we discovered about it.
  • Down syndrome occurs when an individual has a full or partial extra copy of chromosome 21. This additional genetic material alters the course of development and causes the characteristics associated with Down syndrome
  • Down syndrome is the most commonly occurring chromosomal condition. Approximately one in every 700 babies in the United States is born with Down syndrome – about 6,000 each year
  • Down syndrome occurs in people of all races and economic levels
  • The incidence of births of children with Down syndrome increases with the age of the mother. But due to higher fertility rates in younger women, 80% of children with Down syndrome are born to women under 35 years of age
  • People with Down syndrome have an increased risk for certain medical conditions such as congenital heart defects, respiratory and hearing problems, Alzheimer’s disease, childhood leukemia and thyroid conditions. Many of these conditions are now treatable, so most people with Down syndrome lead healthy lives
  • A few of the common physical traits of Down syndrome are: low muscle tone, small stature, an upward slant to the eyes, and a single deep crease across the center of the palm. Every person with Down syndrome is a unique individual and may possess these characteristics to different degrees or not at all
  • Life expectancy for people with Down syndrome has increased dramatically in recent decades – from 25 in 1983 to 60 today
  • People with Down syndrome attend school, work, participate in decisions that affect them, have meaningful relationships, vote and contribute to society in many wonderful ways
  • All people with Down syndrome experience cognitive delays, but the effect is usually mild to moderate and is not indicative of the many strengths and talents that each individual possesses
  • Quality educational programs, a stimulating home environment, good health care and positive support from family, friends and the community enable people with Down syndrome to lead fulfilling and productive lives (source: National Down Syndrome Society)

The three types of Down syndrome:
·         Trisomy 21. About 95 percent of the time, Down syndrome is caused by trisomy 21 — the person has three copies of chromosome 21, instead of the usual two copies, in all cells. This is caused by abnormal cell division during the development of the sperm cell or the egg cell.
·         Mosaic Down syndrome. In this rare form of Down syndrome, a person has only some cells with an extra copy of chromosome 21. This mosaic of normal and abnormal cells is caused by abnormal cell division after fertilization.
·         Translocation Down syndrome. Down syndrome can also occur when a portion of chromosome 21 becomes attached (translocated) onto another chromosome, before or at conception. These children have the usual two copies of chromosome 21, but they also have additional genetic material from chromosome 21 attached to another chromosome.
There are no known behavioral or environmental factors that cause Down syndrome.
Translocation Down syndrome can be passed from parent to child. However, only about 3 to 4 percent of children with Down syndrome have translocation and only some of them inherited it from one of their parents.
When balanced translocations are inherited, the mother or father has some rearranged genetic material from chromosome 21 on another chromosome, but no extra genetic material. This means he or she has no signs or symptoms of Down syndrome, but can pass an unbalanced translocation on to children, causing Down syndrome in the children.  (Source: Mayo Clinic)
While I was still processing these loaded information, my sister-in-law Christy assured us that Lia can lead a normal life with early intervention. She knows a lot of individuals with special needs who were able to attain their dreams. Still I tried to process all the information that were given to us. With the gnawing pain from the surgery, plus my reaction to the pain relievers which made me woozy and nauseous, and with the big news, my tears just kept rolling again. I was in denial. I said to myself that maybe the test will turn out negative. The next day, when I was breastfeeding Lia. I saw her face, her eyes, nose, ears, neck and feet. I finally saw the real her. Her eyes were pleading me to just accept her as she was. No matter what the test says, she is our much-awaited rainbow baby girl. She is a precious gift from God. When I looked at her, I knew that she has Down syndrome, what the pediatrician said was true. Right there, I realized that my heart just expanded even more. I would do anything for my baby girl. I would make sure that she would have all our support to live a meaningful life. Nelson and I discussed it that it looked like that the Karyotyping is mere formality for us. We’ll take it one step at a time. We’ll focus on taking care of Lia.

Relatives visited us. They tried to comfort us and assured us of their support. Then my BFF January dropped in for a visit. She knew that something was amiss and that I was not my usual self. I told her of the diagnosis. I broke down. She said that she can relate to what we’re feeling, given that she’s also has a special needs kid. She mentioned that babies/kids with special needs would develop at their own pace; and that early intervention helps a lot. She reminded me that God gives us trials to sharpen us and that He does not give us challenges that we cannot handle. Later on, she sent me blog/articles about Down syndrome. I felt better when I was able to verbalize my thoughts to my BFF. Her visit, words of wisdom and handy articles eased my mind. I felt so relieved that we’re not alone in this journey.  One of my Forever Friends (my high school barkada) – Jhoy reached out to me too. She is also a special needs parent. Her words stayed with me, “the adventure will be different, but we will still reach our destination.”

During our confinement, the pediatrician or her interns checked if Lia had a heart murmur. She had a hearing test. Thank God! Lia’s hearing was 98% okay! My recovery from caesarean section was going well except for my reaction to the pain reliever. On the third day, we were discharged, but Lia needed to have blood extraction first for the Karyotyping. It took one whole day before they were able to get the necessary amount of blood from Lia. It was heartbreaking for Nelson and Kuya Joaqui to see the needle/s on Lia and hear her cry so loud. They both cried. They were the ones who accompanied Lia to the extraction room.

When we got home, we made a lot of research on this chromosomal disorder. We found out that there a lot of individuals, who have Down syndrome, who overcame obstacles. They were inspiring in their way – breaking the myths and perceptions. A good example is Collete of Colletetey’s cookies. No one would hire her because they deemed her not to be fit; so she opened her own business and sold a thousand of cookies already. Her company has employed people with disability. She also lives independently. We also read the story of Kanazawa Shoko, a woman with Down syndrome, who is now one of Japan’s most acclaimed calligraphy artists.

My sister, Beng, also referred us to DSAPI or Down Syndrome Association of the Philippines, Inc. She instructed us to reach out to this group through their Facebook page. And we did. Oh boy! We learned so many things about Down syndrome. It felt so good to know that we’re not alone with what we’re going through, that someone could relate to us.

As a family, we made a decision that we would live it one day at a time. We would take care of Lia. We would make sure that opportunities are provided for her to grow, mature and live a meaningful and well-rounded life. Nelson and Joaqui were assuring me that we got this. Team Ledesma would handle this journey together. I know it’s not right to burden our eldest with this huge responsibility. However, our son not only promised in words, but also shown it in his actions, that he would take care of Lia when we’re too old or no longer around. I’ve seen how he deeply loves his baby sister.



As I look back at how I reacted initially about Lia’s condition, I felt so ashamed. I felt so guilty that I was not that ecstatic after giving birth. I did not post our pictures right away. I avoided social media. I only answered direct messages. So many thoughts and worries were in my head. I felt that our baby Lia deserved a better welcome from us. That night, I apologized to Lia. I told her how sorry I was that I let my ego and the fear of unknown overwhelmed me. I promised Lia that she would be loved and cherished; and that we would always take care of her and be proud of her, of who she is. Then Lia simply grasped my finger.

To date, Lia is 19 months old now. The Karyotyping test confirms that Lia has Down Syndrome. She has Trisomy 21.  She is healthy and strong. She does not have heart defect/s nor thyroid problems. She is thriving. She is able to eat and digest any kind of food. She is able to sit. She can swim. We’re still practicing her walking and standing. She can say “Mama,” “Papa,” “Oya,” “Yay,” and “Mamam” for water. She can communicate with us to express her wants/needs. She can imitate the actions in Cocomelon. I know and believe that she will master those skills at her own pace. We started her early intervention – physical therapy when she was 3 months old. We continue to do her home physical therapy. We found a very good Physical Therapist – Teacher Anna Domingo. Our pediatrician referred us to her. Lia likes her. I’m fortunate that I’m a stay-at-home mom. I’m able to supervise Lia’s daily regimen of exercises and do her massages as well.

After a year and half passed since Lia’s birth, our family is closer than ever. Lia has brought so much joy into our lives. I have come across so many realizations in this new chapter of our family life, to wit:

  1. Humility - Humble yourselves before the Lord. Bow before him and pray for guidance. Admit it to yourself that you’re not in control of everything and let God handle it for you. This is a crucial step for me. It is the first step of accepting challenging things in life.
  2. Appreciation of small things – Lia has taught us to be grateful always. I appreciate the small things that I have overlooked before. I appreciate the effort more than the result. I am grateful for every smile or any small act of kindness thrown in my way. When you realize how hard it is for some, you appreciate what you have.
  3. Perspective/Mindset – It is the only thing that limits us from attaining our dreams/goals in life. It also blocks our happiness. If we keep on insisting of what our life should be and missing out on what’s really happening on the ground, then we end up miserable and frustrated. With Lia, we needed a new perspective of what our life should be, of our family, of our faith, and of our unconditional love. We focused on what she could do and not what she could not. We’re no longer obsessed with meeting the milestones like a deadline or within the prescribed timeframe. We believe that Lia will hit those milestones at her own pace, in God’s perfect time. I think that each individual is unique. We have different talents and skills. I believe Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligence. Gardner theorizes that people do not have just an intellectual capacity, but have many kinds of intelligence, including musical, interpersonal, spatial-visual, and linguistic intelligences (source: Very Well Mind).
  4. Compassion and understanding of others – Now, I understand other moms who have special needs kids. Parenting a typical child is already challenging and you add in more extra tasks that one has to take, like bringing your kid to different doctors’ appointments and physical therapy/occupational therapy sessions. I learned that each of has many things on our plate and we don’t know each of their struggles. So be kind to anyone that you meet.
  5. Passion and purpose - I’m at this point in my life that I always assess and seek out my passion and purpose (I feel old, LOL) in life. Also I’m a firm believer that everyone that we meet or cross path has some purpose in our life. At the start, I thought God gave Lia to us because she needed the kind of care that we could offer, that she was the one who needed us. Now I realized, it was us who needed Lia more. She taught us real unconditional love. When I became a mother, I thought I knew unconditional love. But my heart expanded even more with Lia. She taught me to look past the diagnosis, condition or her disability and just love her for who she is, her essence. She made us realize that we should not let a diagnosis or condition define who we are. We are more than that. Lia is more than her condition. She taught me to value the little things and savor each moment of our lives. We celebrate her milestones like it was the championship because it took a lot of hard work to reach that. Through Lia, I found my calling or advocacy. I could use my writing skill to raise awareness about Down syndrome through social media. I could share information to debunk the myths and misconceptions surrounding this condition. I could reach out to fellow special needs parents who struggle with our situation. Also, I would lobby for inclusion of special needs individuals in school and work place.  I would fight for the rights of special needs. I never knew that I could be an advocate for special needs individuals until Lia came along.


Our baby girl Amelia Lucia simply has brought so many blessings in our lives, material things or nuggets of wisdom. She is indeed the light of our family.

My song for Lia is Bruno Mar's Just The Way You Are. Whenever I hear this, I cry. I know it's an upbeat song but I can't seem to stop crying. This is my favorite stanza:

When I see your face (face, face...)
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)
And when you smile (smile, smile...)
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause, girl, you're amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)
Yeah

I love you, Amelia Lucia Ledesma. You're simply amazing. You're our little angel on earth. 

P.S.

 A Down syndrome diagnosis is not a sentence nor a death sentence. It is merely a statement of condition that you can work around with. A diagnosis does not define a person or how your life will be. 



Thursday, February 20, 2020

MIRACLE PREGNANCY @40

FOREWORD - I wrote this post to inspire other women who are suffering from fertility issues. I wanted others to remain hopeful in God's grace and mercy. I wanted to share the story behind my miracle pregnancy in my 40s. 


After my miscarriage in 2012, I worked on getting my mind, body and soul to heal from this heartbreak. I did yoga and Zumba. I was into healthy eating. But health issues continue to hound me (thanks to my genes). I have asthma, skin asthma, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), and hypothyroidism. Then in 2015, I found out that I have endometriosis, endometrial cysts in my left ovary, multiple myomas and adenomyosis. My two auto-immune diseases and PCOS already made it difficult for me to conceive. Then add in the adenomyosis and endometriosis to the mix, my chances of having another baby was low. Plus the fact that hubby was onboard his ship, half of the year. Father Time was ticking away too. 

The odds were definitely stacked up against us. Our faith and trust in God kept us going. I firmly believe that God answers our prayer/fervent wish in His perfect's time. When I was wondering if we would ever have a chance to have another baby, God answered me through a dream. I dreamed that we were having a baptismal party. I was the one holding a baby. This dream took place two months after the miscarriage in 2012. I held on to this. 

Fast forward to August 2017, my hubby, Nelson, and I were having fertility treatment. I was taking Ovamit for 2 cycles, but no two lines yet. Hubby and I tried Eastern Medicine too. We had couple acupuncture sessions with Sister Regina Liu in Panay Avenue, QC. I was a patient of Sr. Regina after my miscarriage. The acupuncture would treat my hormonal imbalance and strengthen my immune system. She told me that our chances of conceiving would be better if hubby would also undergo acupuncture sessions. I really had to convince Nelson about this since he doesn't like small and multiple needles on the body. We had three sessions of acupuncture to align or harmonize our energies. 

However, Nelson was supposed to go back onboard in last week of October 2017. So we stopped the fertility drug (Ovamit). But God had other plans for us. Hubby's vacation was extended for another month. 

A week before I took the pregnancy test, I had a vivid dream. Again, we were having a party, a baptismal party. I was holding a baby girl. In my dream, she was named Amelia. Days after my dream, I took the pregnancy test, 2 lines appeared. Lo and behold! Tears welled in my eyes. I showed Nelson the test, and he couldn't believe it. He was speechless!

Because of the heartbreaking loss before, we decided to lie low and not tell anyone right away until further tests. We told my OB-Gyne about it. She advised us to wait for another 2 days and have another test, since it was only Day 40. On my second pregnancy test, there was only 1 line. We were confused with this result. My doctor explained that maybe it was too soon, and the hormones were not high enough to register in the test kit. She also said that it might be a chemical pregnancy. So we had to wait for another 3 days (Day 45) to take another pregnancy test. But deep inside, I knew that I was already pregnant. 


In between waiting, my days were chaotic. My Dad, a survivor of 3 mild strokes, suffered a heart attack and had an emergency angioplasty. Then on the following day, hubby had to embark his ship. 



Day 45 came, I took another pregnancy test. 2 bright red lines appeared on the stick. Oh what a glorious Monday that was! I could not stop smiling about it. Nelson was ecstatic but also worried for me.



Getting pregnant at 40 entailed a lot of tests and precautions. For this pregnancy, I had 4 doctors to monitor me and my baby. I would always be grateful to my OB-GYNE, Dr. Shiela Fajardo-Hernandez, Perinatologist Dr. Carmen Perez, Endocrinologist Dr. Thelma Crisostomo and my Allergologist Dr. Manuel Canlas. This was my team of doctors who helped me in my high-risk pregnancy. My endocrinologist had to monitor my hypothyroidism and made sure my TSH level (Thyroid-Stimulating Hormone) remain below 2.0 every month. She explained that this is crucial to the baby's brain development. While my allergologist monitored my oxygen level regularly (oxygen level should remain high/normal for the pregnancy to thrive) and assisted me in keeping my asthma and allergies at bay. It was like I was living/working in Makati Medical Center, since I was always there for my appointments with my doctors and tests. 



I was on house arrest for this pregnancy. I was not allowed to travel farther than Manila. For someone who was used to travelling a lot, this was a big adjustment for me. My doctor told me to avoid driving so that there will be no stress for me. Hello, Grab!



In my fifth month of pregnancy, I was diagnosed to have gestational diabetes. i had to check my blood sugar, thrice a day, walk for 10 minutes after every meal. I had to strictly follow the nutritionist's personalized diet plan for me. Also, I had to monitor my blood pressure every day upon waking up. It was really a lot of tests for me. I endured all the needles and intrusive scanning, because at the end, we'll be able to have our baby. My cognitive scan proved what I have known all along. We were going to have a baby girl! Dream come true! I've always wanted to have a baby girl, a mini-me (perhaps). Everything was going well except that my baby's weight was below the average. The doctor prescribed me to eat more beef/meat, to have more protein intake. I was allowed to eat more steak and burger. My son, Joaqui, loved this part. He was my food buddy. He enjoyed the steaks and burgers. My baby's weight was slowly catching up. 



Because of my gestational diabetes, the Perinatologist required me to take a fetal heart scan or fetal echocardiography at 26 weeks. She explained to me that a high or a spike in blood sugar can sometimes cause fetal heart defects or sometimes seizures. This was one of the scariest parts of my pregnancy journey. I was so nervous when they did the fetal heart scan. I thank God that the fetal scan was clear and okay. Whew!!!



With this in mind, I really followed my diet and exercise regimen. I did yoga, walked a lot and did push-ups against the wall. I thought that my arms were slimmer than when I was not pregnant. On my 33rd week of pregnancy, I lost a lot of weight, 10 pounds. This alarmed my OB-GYNE, so I had another ultrasound just to check if everything was going smoothly. It went well. 



During my regular/weekly check-up for my 37th week of pregnancy, I had a stress test. Everything was normal. There was no sign of contraction or stress on the baby. So we went home. Traffic was horrible along EDSA (Makati-QC). It was Friday the 13th of July, payday also. When we got home, the condo was having its scheduled pest control measure (insecticide spray). To avoid the harmful chemical, we had to go a nearby mall. We walked around and had a snack. When we got back home, I noticed a brownish red smear on my underwear. When I peed, i saw a big blob of blood. i told my OB-GYNE about it. She said that my mucus plug came out already. She asked me if I was having contractions already. I replied that I felt some contractions but they were not regular. She instructed me to monitor my contractions. After awhile, I told her that my contractions were 10 minutes apart. She ordered us to go to the hospital right away, since the baby would come out soon and would not wait for another day. 



Our hospital bags were ready. I was giving last minute reminders to our helper, and was trying to wake up Joaqui so we could tell him what's happening, that his baby sister was about to come. I didn't think that Joaqui understood what was happening since he was so sleepy. We left the house around 9:45 pm. 

Traffic was light. We arrived in Makati Medical Center within 30 minutes. I was so happy that Nelson was present to witness the birth of our baby girl (with Joaqui, he was on-board their ship). He was "tuliro" or panicky. He couldn't believe that it was happening. He couldn't find our camera because I was the one who packed our stuff. 

I was more nervous this time around, given the high-risk pregnancy. Even after I was given the anesthesia. I was wide-awake and shaking from head to toes. I was having a hard time breathing. My doctors told me to calm down. So I remembered my yoga breathing and to just focus on one focal point (for me it was the huge light). Nelson was also reassuring me that everything will be okay. Then I heard our baby cry for the first time. They cleaned her up and placed her on my arms. It was one of the sweetest and amazing moments in my life. After 12 years of waiting, my miracle baby and rainbow baby came out. Welcome to the world, Amelia Lucia Ledesma!

All praise and glory to God!





Sunday, September 8, 2013

In loving memory of Rafaella Anette Sta. Clara Ledesma....


Writing this post means I’m finally letting go of the hurt and pain. It took me a long time to do this. Whenever I start writing my journal pertaining to this event, tears fall down, making my notebook all wet. I would stop and opt to do it for another day. But I had enough of dilly-dallying. Days before your death anniversary, I think it’s about time to blog about this. It is a way for me to give respect to your memory and for people to know more about a devastating experience – a miscarriage.

Last year, my husband, my son, Joaqui, and I were happily expecting baby no. 2. You could not imagine the joy that I felt when I knew I was pregnant once again. It was difficult for me to get pregnant since I have been diagnosed to have PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, in which sometimes I don’t ovulate. But we prayed for the longest time to have another baby in the family. Even my little boy was earnestly praying for a sibling. God has answered our prayer. Last August 2, 2012, my second pregnancy was confirmed. I was 6 weeks pregnant at that time. Everyone was ecstatic about it. I had a more difficult first trimester compared to my first pregnancy. I was always sick and dizzy, always throwing up day and night. Sometimes, I would go in and out of the bathroom for hours, sometimes hugging the toilet bowl already, kept throwing up. Everything else was okay except for the nausea.

It was almost the end of my first trimester. I had my scheduled check-up with my OB-GYNE on the 11th week of pregnancy. I remember every single detail of that day. It was September 12, 2012 to be exact. I reported to my doctor that I was suffering a headache for several days. She told me to have my blood sugar and eyes checked to find out what’s causing the headache. She was checking the baby’s heartbeat through a sonogram. Lying on the bed for several minutes, my doctor could not seem to find the baby’s heartbeat. She told me sometimes that the baby goes down and there were previous instances that happened in other patients. But she told me to have an ultrasound right away to check the baby. When I want to the loo, I noticed that I had a slight bleeding. My doctor instructed me to go to the ultrasound right away and inform her of the result right away. I was getting nervous by the minute. I kept on praying for my baby on the way to the ultrasound.

It was 1:30 pm when I went in for the ultrasound. The OB-GYNE Sonologist asked routine questions, like “When was the last ultrasound?” and “What was the reason for the said ultrasound?” I answered all the questions. Then the doctor was alarmingly quiet and called in her assistant, showing the latter the result or what was on the screen. She asked me if my husband was with me or if I had a companion. I replied that I was all alone. Then she showed me the screen, she told me that my baby stopped growing inside me and did not have a heartbeat anymore. The baby’s development stopped at 7 weeks and 5 days, almost 8 weeks. The ultrasound showed the bleeding. I could not believe what she was telling me. I could not understand it. For a moment, it seemed like the whole world stopped. My tears just started to fall. I was hysterical. I was wailing. My cries could be heard in the whole clinic. It hurt a lot. It was gut-wrenching pain. I thought I was going to die from the pain. I just kept crying for half an hour inside the room. The assistant was kind enough to give me water and the time to just cry it out. She was trying to console me. She said that God has other plans for me. I could not understand what she was talking about. I immediately texted and called my OB-GYNE about what happened. She was also surprised with the turn of events. She explained to me what will happen in the next few days. She said that since my baby stopped growing at 8 weeks, I could naturally pass out the fetus and probably won’t need a dilation and curettage (D & C operation) if there are no fetal/placental tissues left in the uterus. She said that miscarriages take time and it’s like giving birth too. You’ll feel the contractions, the dull pain in your pelvis, and the surge of blood. The only difference is that there is no joy in this afterwards. She advised me to have someone around since I might pass it out naturally. She told me that I have to scoop whatever tissue (parts of my baby) that I pass out in the toilet and to have a special container for that since they’re going to check that later on.  I did not fully understand what she told me. I replied that it was just me, my son – Joaqui and Yaya Jane. My husband was on board a ship and my sisters and brother were out of town and out of country altogether. I did not know how I got home. I was crying all throughout the taxi ride. I was thinking of how to tell my husband. I was too ashamed to tell him that I lost our baby, but I had to. When I got home, I thought my tears would have dried up, but no, it seemed that the dam just burst. I was trying not to tell Joaqui of what happened, but I could not hide it from him. Looking back, I think my son was heartbroken and distraught with my news and seeing his mommy hurting and crying.

I knew that I had to tell my husband right away since he was also asking for an update on my check-up. I wrote a fast and short email, telling him how sorry I was for losing our baby. I was afraid of talking to him face to face. I felt that I was at fault for losing our baby. After an hour of sending the email, my husband called. He was speechless in our telephone conversation. I could hear him crying too. I thought that he was angry at me and blamed for the miscarriage. Then he called again after 30 minutes. This time, he was more composed and told me to take care of myself, follow my doctor’s instructions and to ask for help from relatives. He said he planned to go home. I told him not to go home since he just started work in that ship 3 weeks ago. I said it was impractical and his company will probably not let him go home. Deep inside, I knew that I really did not have the courage to face him after losing our baby. Maybe he could hear the hysteria and pain in my voice, crackled by crying, he thanked me for taking care of our baby for the time that she was with us. I referred to my baby as she because I felt it in my gut that she was a girl. He asked me if I told our relatives of what happened. I told him no. One of the hardest things to do, telling everyone that I lost our baby.

That night, I just sent messages through phone and Facebook to my sisters, brother, in-laws and my BFF Jan. I could not handle talking to them directly. I could not stop crying. My sisters were still hopeful and thought that maybe the result was wrong. I told them no, I was bleeding already. They were asking me why I was not confined. I said that I could tolerate the pain, was not light-headed, and no one would take care of me and Joaqui. My doctor said that it’s okay for me to stay at home as long as I was stable, not dizzy and can bear the pain. My relatives asked me what happened and if I did something strenuous that week. I’m sure that it was a normal question for them, but for me it was something else. I felt sensitive to their queries. In my mind, I thought that they were somehow blaming for what happened, if I hadn’t done this particular thing or not.

I could not eat food, could not taste it. I could not sleep. I ended up crying always. My son was getting worried for I was looking gaunt and always tearful. He told me, “Mommy, please stop crying. I’m here naman eh. I will sleep beside you until Daddy comes home, Mommy.” I hugged and kissed him for this. My then 5 year old son was consoling me. Hubby regularly called and sent emails three times a day. I was trying to reassure him to not to worry and we were consoling each other. 

September 13, 2012 – On that day, I felt that the contractions were getting more painful. The bleeding was getting heavy. I regularly sent texts to my OB-GYNE about the development. She reminded to scoop whatever tissue found in the toilet after I peed. The first time I scooped a part of my baby, I cried uncontrollably. The miscarriage is now a reality. In the afternoon, the terrible cramps came. I could not stand and just stayed in bed. Then I felt the big rush of blood and I knew I just had to go to the bathroom. In there, I naturally passed out my baby, enveloped in her placenta. I saw her head and I saw her eyes. I wailed. I thought that I was losing my mind. I was trying to scoop up everything while wailing unabashedly. My yaya and son knew that it was the miscarriage. I cooped inside the bathroom for almost an hour. It was unbearable pain, gut-wrenching pain – physical pain, mental anguish and psychological shock. It was now really real, my baby was dead.

It was time to acknowledge the reality of my miscarriage. I posted a shout out in Facebook, asking everyone to pray for my Rafaella Anette and my family in this difficult time. I did not want to keep telling everybody what happened. A flurry of messages for me kept coming in, but I could not attend to it. I had to go to the hospital, so my OB-GYNE can check if I passed out everything and if my uterus is clear, to avoid infection. My doctor told me to be prepared too for the eventuality of a D & C. I had no one else that morning, except Joaqui and Yaya Jane. My eldest sister was arriving in the evening from her training. I was telling Joaqui that I might stay in the hospital for a few days if I would have the surgical procedure. My son was crying and begging me to let him come with me in the hospital. I told him that it was not possible and he would get bored in the hospital and reassured him that Mommy would be okay. I saw his panic and fear. I knew that he was really bothered by what’s happening.

The Lord took care of my worries. He sent my sister-in-law, niece and nephews to accompany us. Joaqui had playmates in the house and my sister-in-law was going to accompany me to the hospital. At least, I didn’t have to worry about Joaqui being left alone. Then my college friend, Lanie, arrived. She was offering to drive me to the hospital. I was deeply touched by her gesture. I told her that we had a driver already to drive for us. I was thankful that I had someone to talk to that day.

In the hospital, it was torture being surrounded by pregnant women. I was there because I lost my baby. I was lying on the hospital bed surrounded by interns, discussing my case. I felt so cold there. The one in charge checked my container of my baby. She told my OB-GYNE that it was intact and I passed out almost everything. Based on the ultrasound, I had 100ml left of blood/tissues inside my uterus. My doctor gave me medicine for a week to induce more contractions, so I could expel what was left inside. I had to wait for the medicine to work and for another week before I could find out if I need the surgical procedure.

In those times, I knew that I was getting depressed. I could not sleep. I could not eat. The food tasted bland. I was just forcing myself to eat so I could take my medicine. I cry whenever I see a commercial or picture or news about a baby. I did not want check my Facebook nor my twitter account. I shut myself off the world. I did not want to see any pictures of babies or any news of pregnancies nor read about the complaints of my pregnant friends. They did not realize how lucky they are to experience those inconvenience and here I was hoping to have that same pregnant feelings. I was really shattered and devastated. I did not have the energy to play with Joaqui. My son was missing me. I could not send him off to school nor fetch him. I still had those contractions, making it difficult for me to walk at all. Given my state of mind, it would be dangerous and foolish for me to drive. I’m just thankful that Yaya Jane was there to help us out. She explained to Joaqui why mommy could not do their routine. It was a good thing that the school offered their school service to fetch Joaqui from home to school and back to home. I called the Assistant Administrator and inquired how much would the service be. She told me that the service is free and they’ll do it until I fully recover from my miscarriage. It was so touching. God truly loves us. She told me that Joaqui informed them right away what happened. She relayed that Joaqui told them that mommy is always crying and in pain. She relayed that Joaqui was so sad and asked them if God would bless us with another baby. She told Joaqui to take care of his mommy and to pray to God for another sibling. It was at that moment that something snapped inside of me. I realized how painful it was not just for me but for my son and husband as well. It was not only me who’s hurting but them also. I blamed myself for wallowing in pity and despair. I should not have done to my son. I’m the adult in this situation and yet it was my son who was very mature and taken the resolve to take care of his mommy. I felt so ashamed that this happened. I was going to take good care of our unico hijo. I made a vow to myself to always cherish each moment that I have with my loved ones.

I knew that I had to get better, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well.  I remembered my sister’s book, Mitch Albom’s Five Persons You Meet in Heaven, which was said to have helped many people who suffered a loss. I quickly read it. I could not contain my tears while reading this. I’ve learned that we’re all interconnected and all of our actions affect others as well and that there is a reason for everything. God is always in control of our lives. He has perfect plans for each of us. I was holding on to these beliefs. Then I started to read the bible daily, I found comfort in God’s words. Now is the time to trust Him completely.

Then I was up for another ultrasound to check if my uterus was clear already. This time around I asked my BFF Jan to accompany there. It was still torture to be around a place where there are many happy pregnant women. I’m glad that she was there. The assistants there remembered me and tried to console me again, urging me to take care of myself. Based on the result, my doctor said that she would schedule a D & C for me since there are some tissues left inside my uterus. Once again, I had to prepare Joaqui for this hospital stay. He cried once again. He wanted to go with me and promised me that he would not get bored and that he would bring his toys and books to keep him company. I told him to just pray for me to get well fast so I could stay at home.

This time around my eldest sister accompanied me to the hospital. We were ready to stay in the hospital. The resident doctor found out that my cervix is no longer dilated unlike a week before that it was 3 cm dilated. The resident doctor and nurses were talking like it was good news. But I did not understand what it meant until my OB-GYNE came. Based on the ultrasound and with my cervix no longer dilated, my doctor told me that I would not require a surgical procedure anymore, but I needed to continue the medicine to help pass out more blood/tissues and to take antibiotics to avoid infection. God was answering Joaqui’s prayer. I went home early that day.

That day, I was experiencing the side effects of the antibiotic. I could not keep what I ate. I kept throwing up my food intake even if it was just water. I could not sleep. I was awake the whole time, going in and out of the bathroom. I felt really weak. I was scared of being dehydrated. I complained to my doctor about these side effects. It was on the third day of my intake of Augmentin that my doctor changed the antibiotics, I was having hyperacidity. My son took care of me. He put my blanket and socks for I was getting cold. He put the fever patch on my forehead to cool me down. I was afraid that I might have infection already. But as the Augmentin wore off, I felt better. God truly loves me and Nelson for He gave us a wonderful son, who is more than enough for what we could have asked for.

I tried to take care of myself so I could take care of my loved ones. While recuperating, I continued on my daily devotion of bible reading, researching on my medical condition and connecting with friends who suffered the similar fate of miscarriage. All along, I thought I was alone and no one could understand the pain that I have, but I was wrong. These women have given me encouragement me to go forward in my life. Most of my friends, who had miscarriages, had successful pregnancies afterwards. That gave me hope. I read the messages sent by my family/relatives/friends. It warmed my heart to know that many people are concerned and prayed for me and my family. I think that strengthened me too.

When I was physically strong to go out, I arranged a burial mass for my baby Rafaella Anette. It was touching to see that Joaqui wrote a note for Rafaella telling her that Kuya Joaqui loves her. Joaqui inserted this note with a flower and put it on top of Rafaella. My baby was laid to rest beside her Lola Nette. When the Church blessed her body, I felt a heavy burden lifted off me. For the first time in many weeks, I’ve felt peace. I had nothing more to worry about because she is with our Creator. She has company. Her Lola is with her. It was time for me to keep on living.

Miscarriage does not happen quickly. I was in and out of the hospital for more than two weeks. Its effect and toll on a person take a long time. Doctors said it will take two to three months before the body recovers from a miscarriage. But they could not say how long a person could fully recover from the experience emotionally, mentally and spiritually as well. Me, I’m still a work in progress. It took months before I could fully talk about it with my friends. I may not fully understand what happened to me, but I trust the Lord’s plans for me and my family.

Because of you, I’m more conscious of my health and the well-being of my loved ones. I’ve taken concrete steps to take care of myself even more. Because of the miscarriage, I found out that I have hypothyroidism. I’m getting treatment for that. Our family is now into healthy lifestyle. Changes have taken place.

September 13 is fast approaching. I want to honour your memory by writing down my deepest and intimate thoughts about you. I hope that people will learn something from this.

God has made my Rafaella an angel. He has called you home, Rafaella.  He has greater plans for us. The pain is still there, but I surrender to God’s will. God has soothed my pain. Losing you has opened up my eyes to a lot of realizations. I have committed myself to enjoy each day, to give my best, not to hold back, to appreciate what I have and to be always thankful. I promised to be in the moment and to take care of my loved ones.
 
 I’m letting you go, Rafaella. Mommy is okay. I’m letting go of the hurt and pain. I’m ready to take on new experiences. God is good all the time!