Writing this post means I’m finally letting go of
the hurt and pain. It took me a long time to do this. Whenever I start writing
my journal pertaining to this event, tears fall down, making my notebook all
wet. I would stop and opt to do it for another day. But I had enough of
dilly-dallying. Days before your death anniversary, I think it’s about time to
blog about this. It is a way for me to give respect to your memory and for
people to know more about a devastating experience – a miscarriage.
Last year, my husband, my son, Joaqui, and I were
happily expecting baby no. 2. You could not imagine the joy that I felt when I
knew I was pregnant once again. It was difficult for me to get pregnant since I
have been diagnosed to have PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, in which
sometimes I don’t ovulate. But we prayed for the longest time to have another
baby in the family. Even my little boy was earnestly praying for a sibling. God
has answered our prayer. Last August 2, 2012, my second pregnancy was
confirmed. I was 6 weeks pregnant at that time. Everyone was ecstatic about it.
I had a more difficult first trimester compared to my first pregnancy. I was
always sick and dizzy, always throwing up day and night. Sometimes, I would go
in and out of the bathroom for hours, sometimes hugging the toilet bowl already,
kept throwing up. Everything else was okay except for the nausea.
It was almost the end of my first trimester. I had
my scheduled check-up with my OB-GYNE on the 11th week of pregnancy.
I remember every single detail of that day. It was September 12, 2012 to be
exact. I reported to my doctor that I was suffering a headache for several
days. She told me to have my blood sugar and eyes checked to find out what’s
causing the headache. She was checking the baby’s heartbeat through a sonogram.
Lying on the bed for several minutes, my doctor could not seem to find the
baby’s heartbeat. She told me sometimes that the baby goes down and there were
previous instances that happened in other patients. But she told me to have an
ultrasound right away to check the baby. When I want to the loo, I noticed that
I had a slight bleeding. My doctor instructed me to go to the ultrasound right
away and inform her of the result right away. I was getting nervous by the
minute. I kept on praying for my baby on the way to the ultrasound.
It was 1:30 pm when I went in for the ultrasound.
The OB-GYNE Sonologist asked routine questions, like “When was the last
ultrasound?” and “What was the reason for the said ultrasound?” I answered all
the questions. Then the doctor was alarmingly quiet and called in her
assistant, showing the latter the result or what was on the screen. She asked me
if my husband was with me or if I had a companion. I replied that I was all
alone. Then she showed me the screen, she told me that my baby stopped growing
inside me and did not have a heartbeat anymore. The baby’s development stopped
at 7 weeks and 5 days, almost 8 weeks. The ultrasound showed the bleeding. I
could not believe what she was telling me. I could not understand it. For a
moment, it seemed like the whole world stopped. My tears just started to fall.
I was hysterical. I was wailing. My cries could be heard in the whole clinic.
It hurt a lot. It was gut-wrenching pain. I thought I was going to die from the
pain. I just kept crying for half an hour inside the room. The assistant was
kind enough to give me water and the time to just cry it out. She was trying to
console me. She said that God has other plans for me. I could not understand
what she was talking about. I immediately texted and called my OB-GYNE about
what happened. She was also surprised with the turn of events. She explained to
me what will happen in the next few days. She said that since my baby stopped
growing at 8 weeks, I could naturally pass out the fetus and probably won’t
need a dilation and curettage (D & C operation) if there are no fetal/placental
tissues left in the uterus. She said that miscarriages take time and it’s like
giving birth too. You’ll feel the contractions, the dull pain in your pelvis,
and the surge of blood. The only difference is that there is no joy in this
afterwards. She advised me to have someone around since I might pass it out
naturally. She told me that I have to scoop whatever tissue (parts of my baby)
that I pass out in the toilet and to have a special container for that since
they’re going to check that later on. I
did not fully understand what she told me. I replied that it was just me, my
son – Joaqui and Yaya Jane. My husband was on board a ship and my sisters and
brother were out of town and out of country altogether. I did not know how I
got home. I was crying all throughout the taxi ride. I was thinking of how to
tell my husband. I was too ashamed to tell him that I lost our baby, but I had
to. When I got home, I thought my tears would have dried up, but no, it seemed
that the dam just burst. I was trying not to tell Joaqui of what happened, but
I could not hide it from him. Looking back, I think my son was heartbroken and
distraught with my news and seeing his mommy hurting and crying.
I knew that I had to tell my husband right away
since he was also asking for an update on my check-up. I wrote a fast and short
email, telling him how sorry I was for losing our baby. I was afraid of talking
to him face to face. I felt that I was at fault for losing our baby. After an
hour of sending the email, my husband called. He was speechless in our
telephone conversation. I could hear him crying too. I thought that he was
angry at me and blamed for the miscarriage. Then he called again after 30
minutes. This time, he was more composed and told me to take care of myself,
follow my doctor’s instructions and to ask for help from relatives. He said he
planned to go home. I told him not to go home since he just started work in
that ship 3 weeks ago. I said it was impractical and his company will probably
not let him go home. Deep inside, I knew that I really did not have the courage
to face him after losing our baby. Maybe he could hear the hysteria and pain in
my voice, crackled by crying, he thanked me for taking care of our baby for the
time that she was with us. I referred to my baby as she because I felt it in my
gut that she was a girl. He asked me if I told our relatives of what happened.
I told him no. One of the hardest things to do, telling everyone that I lost
our baby.
That night, I just sent messages through phone and Facebook
to my sisters, brother, in-laws and my BFF Jan. I could not handle talking to
them directly. I could not stop crying. My sisters were still hopeful and
thought that maybe the result was wrong. I told them no, I was bleeding
already. They were asking me why I was not confined. I said that I could
tolerate the pain, was not light-headed, and no one would take care of me and
Joaqui. My doctor said that it’s okay for me to stay at home as long as I was stable,
not dizzy and can bear the pain. My relatives asked me what happened and if I
did something strenuous that week. I’m sure that it was a normal question for
them, but for me it was something else. I felt sensitive to their queries. In
my mind, I thought that they were somehow blaming for what happened, if I
hadn’t done this particular thing or not.
I could not eat food, could not taste it. I could
not sleep. I ended up crying always. My son was getting worried for I was
looking gaunt and always tearful. He told me, “Mommy, please stop crying. I’m
here naman eh. I will sleep beside you until Daddy comes home, Mommy.” I hugged
and kissed him for this. My then 5 year old son was consoling me. Hubby
regularly called and sent emails three times a day. I was trying to reassure
him to not to worry and we were consoling each other.
September 13, 2012 – On that day, I felt that the
contractions were getting more painful. The bleeding was getting heavy. I
regularly sent texts to my OB-GYNE about the development. She reminded to scoop
whatever tissue found in the toilet after I peed. The first time I scooped a
part of my baby, I cried uncontrollably. The miscarriage is now a reality. In
the afternoon, the terrible cramps came. I could not stand and just stayed in
bed. Then I felt the big rush of blood and I knew I just had to go to the
bathroom. In there, I naturally passed out my baby, enveloped in her placenta.
I saw her head and I saw her eyes. I wailed. I thought that I was losing my
mind. I was trying to scoop up everything while wailing unabashedly. My yaya
and son knew that it was the miscarriage. I cooped inside the bathroom for
almost an hour. It was unbearable pain, gut-wrenching pain – physical pain,
mental anguish and psychological shock. It was now really real, my baby was
dead.
It was time to acknowledge the reality of my
miscarriage. I posted a shout out in Facebook, asking everyone to pray for my
Rafaella Anette and my family in this difficult time. I did not want to keep
telling everybody what happened. A flurry of messages for me kept coming in,
but I could not attend to it. I had to go to the hospital, so my OB-GYNE can
check if I passed out everything and if my uterus is clear, to avoid infection.
My doctor told me to be prepared too for the eventuality of a D & C. I had
no one else that morning, except Joaqui and Yaya Jane. My eldest sister was
arriving in the evening from her training. I was telling Joaqui that I might
stay in the hospital for a few days if I would have the surgical procedure. My
son was crying and begging me to let him come with me in the hospital. I told
him that it was not possible and he would get bored in the hospital and
reassured him that Mommy would be okay. I saw his panic and fear. I knew that
he was really bothered by what’s happening.
The Lord took care of my worries. He sent my
sister-in-law, niece and nephews to accompany us. Joaqui had playmates in the
house and my sister-in-law was going to accompany me to the hospital. At least,
I didn’t have to worry about Joaqui being left alone. Then my college friend, Lanie,
arrived. She was offering to drive me to the hospital. I was deeply touched by
her gesture. I told her that we had a driver already to drive for us. I was
thankful that I had someone to talk to that day.
In the hospital, it was torture being surrounded by
pregnant women. I was there because I lost my baby. I was lying on the hospital
bed surrounded by interns, discussing my case. I felt so cold there. The one in
charge checked my container of my baby. She told my OB-GYNE that it was intact
and I passed out almost everything. Based on the ultrasound, I had 100ml left
of blood/tissues inside my uterus. My doctor gave me medicine for a week to
induce more contractions, so I could expel what was left inside. I had to wait
for the medicine to work and for another week before I could find out if I need
the surgical procedure.
In those times, I knew that I was getting
depressed. I could not sleep. I could not eat. The food tasted bland. I was
just forcing myself to eat so I could take my medicine. I cry whenever I see a
commercial or picture or news about a baby. I did not want check my Facebook
nor my twitter account. I shut myself off the world. I did not want to see any
pictures of babies or any news of pregnancies nor read about the complaints of
my pregnant friends. They did not realize how lucky they are to experience
those inconvenience and here I was hoping to have that same pregnant feelings.
I was really shattered and devastated. I did not have the energy to play with
Joaqui. My son was missing me. I could not send him off to school nor fetch
him. I still had those contractions, making it difficult for me to walk at all.
Given my state of mind, it would be dangerous and foolish for me to drive. I’m
just thankful that Yaya Jane was there to help us out. She explained to Joaqui
why mommy could not do their routine. It was a good thing that the school
offered their school service to fetch Joaqui from home to school and back to
home. I called the Assistant Administrator and inquired how much would the
service be. She told me that the service is free and they’ll do it until I
fully recover from my miscarriage. It was so touching. God truly loves us. She
told me that Joaqui informed them right away what happened. She relayed that
Joaqui told them that mommy is always crying and in pain. She relayed that
Joaqui was so sad and asked them if God would bless us with another baby. She
told Joaqui to take care of his mommy and to pray to God for another sibling.
It was at that moment that something snapped inside of me. I realized how
painful it was not just for me but for my son and husband as well. It was not
only me who’s hurting but them also. I blamed myself for wallowing in pity and
despair. I should not have done to my son. I’m the adult in this situation and
yet it was my son who was very mature and taken the resolve to take care of his
mommy. I felt so ashamed that this happened. I was going to take good care of
our unico hijo. I made a vow to myself to always cherish each moment that I
have with my loved ones.
I knew that I had to get better, not just
physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well. I remembered my sister’s book, Mitch Albom’s
Five Persons You Meet in Heaven, which was said to have helped many people who
suffered a loss. I quickly read it. I could not contain my tears while reading
this. I’ve learned that we’re all interconnected and all of our actions affect
others as well and that there is a reason for everything. God is always in
control of our lives. He has perfect plans for each of us. I was holding on to
these beliefs. Then I started to read the bible daily, I found comfort in God’s
words. Now is the time to trust Him completely.
Then I was up for another ultrasound to check if my
uterus was clear already. This time around I asked my BFF Jan to accompany
there. It was still torture to be around a place where there are many happy
pregnant women. I’m glad that she was there. The assistants there remembered me
and tried to console me again, urging me to take care of myself. Based on the
result, my doctor said that she would schedule a D & C for me since there
are some tissues left inside my uterus. Once again, I had to prepare Joaqui for
this hospital stay. He cried once again. He wanted to go with me and promised
me that he would not get bored and that he would bring his toys and books to
keep him company. I told him to just pray for me to get well fast so I could
stay at home.
This time around my eldest sister accompanied me to
the hospital. We were ready to stay in the hospital. The resident doctor found out that
my cervix is no longer dilated unlike a week before that it was 3 cm dilated. The
resident doctor and nurses were talking like it was good news. But I did not understand
what it meant until my OB-GYNE came. Based on the ultrasound and with my cervix
no longer dilated, my doctor told me that I would not require a surgical
procedure anymore, but I needed to continue the medicine to help pass out more
blood/tissues and to take antibiotics to avoid infection. God was answering
Joaqui’s prayer. I went home early that day.
That day, I was experiencing the side effects of
the antibiotic. I could not keep what I ate. I kept throwing up my food intake
even if it was just water. I could not sleep. I was awake the whole time, going
in and out of the bathroom. I felt really weak. I was scared of being
dehydrated. I complained to my doctor about these side effects. It was on the
third day of my intake of Augmentin that my doctor changed the antibiotics, I
was having hyperacidity. My son took care of me. He put my blanket and socks
for I was getting cold. He put the fever patch on my forehead to cool me down.
I was afraid that I might have infection already. But as the Augmentin wore
off, I felt better. God truly loves me and Nelson for He gave us a wonderful
son, who is more than enough for what we could have asked for.
I tried to take care of myself so I could take care
of my loved ones. While recuperating, I continued on my daily devotion of bible
reading, researching on my medical condition and connecting with friends who
suffered the similar fate of miscarriage. All along, I thought I was alone and
no one could understand the pain that I have, but I was wrong. These women have
given me encouragement me to go forward in my life. Most of my friends, who had
miscarriages, had successful pregnancies afterwards. That gave me hope. I read
the messages sent by my family/relatives/friends. It warmed my heart to know
that many people are concerned and prayed for me and my family. I think that
strengthened me too.
When I was physically strong to go out, I arranged
a burial mass for my baby Rafaella Anette. It was touching to see that Joaqui
wrote a note for Rafaella telling her that Kuya Joaqui loves her. Joaqui
inserted this note with a flower and put it on top of Rafaella. My baby was
laid to rest beside her Lola Nette. When the Church blessed her body, I felt a
heavy burden lifted off me. For the first time in many weeks, I’ve felt peace.
I had nothing more to worry about because she is with our Creator. She has
company. Her Lola is with her. It was time for me to keep on living.
Miscarriage does not happen quickly. I was in and
out of the hospital for more than two weeks. Its effect and toll on a person
take a long time. Doctors said it will take two to three months before the body
recovers from a miscarriage. But they could not say how long a person could
fully recover from the experience emotionally, mentally and spiritually as
well. Me, I’m still a work in progress. It took months before I could fully
talk about it with my friends. I may not fully understand what happened to me,
but I trust the Lord’s plans for me and my family.
Because of you, I’m more conscious of my health and
the well-being of my loved ones. I’ve taken concrete steps to take care of
myself even more. Because of the miscarriage, I found out that I have
hypothyroidism. I’m getting treatment for that. Our family is now into healthy
lifestyle. Changes have taken place.
September 13 is fast approaching. I want to honour
your memory by writing down my deepest and intimate thoughts about you. I hope that
people will learn something from this.
God has made my Rafaella an angel. He has called
you home, Rafaella. He has greater plans
for us. The pain is still there, but I surrender to God’s will. God has soothed
my pain. Losing you has opened up my eyes to a lot of realizations. I have
committed myself to enjoy each day, to give my best, not to hold back, to
appreciate what I have and to be always thankful. I promised to be in the
moment and to take care of my loved ones.
I’m letting
you go, Rafaella. Mommy is okay. I’m letting go of the hurt and pain. I’m ready to take on new
experiences. God is good all the time!
